Here and Now

November…back east the leaves have been turning for a while, they’re probably all brown and falling by now.
I remember raking them into huge piles then taking a flying leap into the middle of them, breathing in that wonderful almost tea-like aroma….

Sometimes I miss it so bad it hurts.
Gee…where’d that come from?  Okay….that was a bit of a surprise.
This stream-of-consciousness writing can be very revealing, especially to the writer.  So we’ll ask the big question, bring it out in the open.

Do I ever wish I’d stayed back there? 

In all honesty, sometimes yes.
Hmmmmm…..after thirty-plus years of  California living, I’m going to admit to home sickness?  I’ve lived longer out here than all my years back home.  Those last few years back there were extremely difficult; struggling with mental illness, drinking, feeling like life had nothing to offer.  No…I don’t think so.

What I do miss are the things that make a family a family…the births, celebrations and traditions….the shared jokes and sorrows, the people, picnics and camping trips…the “fizzies parties” (our name for jam sessions).
Those are the things I miss.  

Sometimes I play that “what if” game, imagining different scenarios like being a wife and mother…inviting the parents and family to our house for one of the holiday food festivals…chatting in the kitchen with the brothers’ wives, Mom, my sister and the other female relations….sometimes these Norman Rockwellian snippets make me cry because it all seems so….comforting.

Could I have pulled it off? Dunno. Back then I was so crazy I feared friends and family being in my company.

Perhaps life might have gotten easier, once I found proper psychiatric care….but I wasn’t given that choice. Circumstances presented themselves so that I had to leave. Apparently my life in California was meant to be.

So I’m not going to beat my brains out, pining away for a life that wasn’t meant to be.  I can acknowledge, freely, that parts of me would have taken to domesticity like a fish to water….I can acknowledge that it would have been great to have had a big, huge, noisy family nearby for when times got rough.  And in truth, the times I’ve needed help they’ve managed to rally to help so I’ve never been completely isolated from them.

But what ever the reason, California has been my destiny since a very young age and I am grateful for the life I’ve led.  It’s not been perfect, but it has been real.

So for today, Fifty Five Is The New Here and Now….because here and now is where I am and yesterday is a page already turned.

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